My Baby Loss Has No Meaning

This week has been Baby Loss Awareness Week. To me I have always felt I have a child missing and that will stay with me for a very long time, probably until I die. I went on the Baby Loss Awareness website thinking perhaps I could find a charity or a group to speak to to maybe help me through the trauma I’ve just been forced to live with and pretend it’ll be alright and that I’ll get over it.

I looked. I looked over and over and none of them. Not a single charity or group on that list helped women who went through an abortion.

You see women who go through abortions are shunned even in 21st century as sick and disgusting women who stole someone’s life. We are evil. I have been told that I work for Satan, have been called a monster and even told I am the spawn of Satan. I wish I was kidding. I remember one blogger being awful saying it was my fault what happened to me even after I told them the horrid story of how I ended up pregnant. Apparently I should have simply kept my legs shut. Silly me. I’ll remember that next time I’m in an abusive relationship.

For those who think abortion is a simple thing to do let me explain how it is done here in the UK. People think you just wander in, ask for one and boom you get it, no questions asked.


You’ll have doctors speak to you and do everything they can to put you off the idea, ask about any mental health issues you have, really push you to consider adoption (and I mean REALLY push this) as well as your own health, relationship with the father of the child and medical history. I felt like I was on trial. I was 17 years old and was shaking, trying to act like a mature adult when really I was just a teenager with no concept on the real world yet. I was mentally unwell, physically not doing great and had been in an abusive relationship which resulted in my first pregnancy. I felt like I was in deep water and could barely keep my head up.

I won’t go in to detail on what happens but the whole thing is awful. And once it is over you sign some papers (I did this moments after it happened, no time to get over what happened just now as got to free up the bed) and told how I won’t get another chance in the future for an abortion unless was for medical reasons (ie baby’s life or my life was at risk). So yeah you basically got one go. you can’t keep going in expecting freebies any time you want. It’s not like that in the UK, trust me. I hate it when people think it is because that’s untrue. A lot of serious stuff happens and they are pretty darn strict on it all.

So I came out filled with trauma aged just 17 and bound to silence. I spoke about it because I wanted people to understand but I had no idea people were so against it, even if the reasons were rape or lives were at risk. People were saying abortion was wrong no matter what the reasoning. So I was forced in to silence.

I’m now 30 years old and I still cry. I’m crying right now as I write this. My first child should be 13 years old this year. My first born would be a teenager. What a milestone that should have been. But I’m not allowed to feel for my loss. I’m not allowed pity and I’m not allowed to speak publicly about it because it was an abortion.

I truly feel for every woman whose had a miscarriage, stillborn, lost a baby to SIDS, to GBS (something that could have taken my daughter from me but thankfully didn’t), to all the women who’ve ever lost a child of any age to anything. I feel for you all.

But I also feel for those who’ve suffered in silence because of the A word. None of them should feel ashamed or given hate for it. They still have feelings and emotions.


Why I Blog About Abortion

Blogging about abortion has got to be the hardest thing I have done when it comes to blogging. Having the abortion is top qof my list of hardest things I’ve done in my whole life. But why do I blog about something that, although is legal in our country, is very controversial?

This year I turned 27 years old, meaning 10 years ago on my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant with a man who violently abused me and forced himqqaself on me. I was young and scared, I needed people to protect me and listen to me as I weep. Many of those who I thought I could speak to reacted badly. I was called all sorts of names.

Devil Child

Those are just a few of them, and although they are just names and should be ignored these were said to me by people I thought I could talk to. It hurt and knocked me back. I was already on anti-depressants and all this led to me becoming suicidal, mentally I was doing very poorly but the only help I got were in pill form. I was never offered counselling or therapy, I think back then people liked to throw pills at you to make you happy and “normal” like everybody else.

10 years on I still cry. I know what I did was the right thing but it still haunts me. The words, the ordeal itself, the loneliness. No woman should have to suffer like this and that’s why I blog about it. To help others realise they aren’t alone in feeling post-trauma. But also I blog about it in the hope that those who think badly of abortion understand women often do it for perfectly legitimate reasons. If you are one of those then tell me would you honestly think a child should be allowed to be brought up knowing their father is a violent rapist and their mother is mentally unwell and probably unfit to care for the child properly?

Those are my reasons for blogging about abortion and no one can stop me.

Abortions at 12 weeks? Get Real!

I’m shocked by the amount of women who are against abortion and the 24 week limit in our country. Some things said to me really angered me, but I decided to blog about abortions as many who are against it have never been in that situation.

First of all its not an “easy way out” and any woman who comes out after having an abortion without feeling guilty or upset is not a real human being. You know it was a foetus and you know that can be a living being like you or I, so naturally it isn’t easy to choose this option and to come to terms with it may take years. Also doctors will ask you over and over if this is right as they can’t do it if they believe you are being forced to having one or having second thoughts. It’s painful every time they ask and you will probably feel bad every single time you nod for the go ahead, it’s tough but you have good reasons and you have spoken to them about it a million times.

Another point is you can’t just keep going in for abortions. You can have one, maybe two, but if you come in often enough they will start questioning you further. For me I was refused the pill and told after my abortion to get the pill (hospital gave me a prescription) or they may not consider me for an abortion next time. I came off the pill with doctors agreeing as it was affecting me badly after 5 years on it, but we used other contraception. I got pregnant but didn’t want to have an abortion and being in a stable relationship I had no concerns for the future either.

A lot of women don’t know they are pregnant early on, and there’s always a queue to get an abortion. I was 12 weeks when I found out but was 16 weeks when I was in hospital. Does that mean if I found out I was 12 weeks in and wanted an abortion would I be told to sod off even though I had bleeds and only just found out I’m pregnant and further in the pregnancy than I thought?

Women fought for our rights and now it seems we are taking steps back. If anything this change will open us to back street abortions where women are having to pay money to dodgy people to do an illegal thing.

I’m understanding to people who dislike abortions, but its a choice that we should be allowed, specially for those who are forced upon or assaulted.

Next time I will blog about my experience as many seem to think its an in and out job and some even think its an operation done quickly. Time to explain the real deal of Abortions on the NHS.

Comments are welcome, I enjoy a discussion and debate, but please if you are going to attack me or troll me then don’t bother as it’s not worth trying to do that to me as I’ve heard it all before.

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