The Beginning of My Depression

I went to a preparatory school (yes I know I must be well off and well educated, trust me I am neither!) and I was so not prepared for the change over to secondary school. I went from having 2 year groups in the same class room to have only 25-30 pupils of my year group in my tutor group and the rest were in other groups. It was very weird to me not seeing everyone in my year often and regularly, felt alien to me if I am honest.

I remember queuing up for my first school dinner (soon to be my last!) and some girls walked past me and called me “four-eyes freak”. I had never heard this phrase before and thought would it be okay to ask what they meant or would that be odd as I didn’t know these girls. Another girl in my year tapped me on the shoulder and told me not to worry as she gets called that all the time, so I felt I could ask her what it meant and she pointed to her glasses “because we need these which are our second set of eyes, get it?” I felt more puzzled. At my old school kids though my glasses were cool, with rainbow colours, Bugs Bunny, you name it I probably had them at some point and all the school kids thought they were amazing. But in secondary school glasses were not cool. I looked down at myself and realised I was doomed. 5 feet tall (barely at this time as I was still awaiting my “growth spurt” which I get in year 9 and stay at 5ft 2in for my whole life), I had no feminine body shape, no breasts, very pale skin and bad teeth. I was bait for the hyenas, and they were gonna chew me up for the next 5 years.

My school was old and had Upper and Lower school. Most of the first years stayed in the Lower school but as you moved on your classes spread about. In year 9 I had been bullied a fair bit and began pulling my hair in year 8 and wore a wig to hide the large bald patch I had. The wig didn’t help and bullies only mocked me more and more for it. To be honest I blanked out most of year 8, god knows how my hair returned to normal after such abuse but it did. Anyway by year 9 I had spoken to my Head of Year who simply told me to ignore bullies and they will leave me alone. Now I’m an adult now and I bet you are also thinking “yeah right!” as well but as a teenager I believed him, god knows nothing else worked. I had a class at Lower school and was late getting there so instead of using the tiny path I just walked straight down the grass. However I wasn’t alone, a gang of bullies were following and throwing names at me to get my attention. I kept walking but they kept coming after me, my heart racing at this point. I got halfway there and I knew they had classes back at Upper school so they needed to I back or be late. But they didn’t go back, so I walked a little faster, I could see a teacher outside and thought that I was safe. I was wrong as one girl grabbed hold I my bag and flung me face first into the muddy school ground. Instantly every student circled me as the gang yelled abused, laughed and shoved me. My breathing was short and often and I couldn’t calm myself down. What was going to happen now?

Thankfully the teacher scared them off and she took me to the reception where they have her the key to the old nurses office (no nurse works there anymore but the sign still said nurses office) and got me to calm down and wash my face.

That was the day I changed as a person. I was thinking of revenge, wanting to punch the bitch who did this to me. At the same time I was sobbing my heart out and begging for an answer as to why am I the one they always go for, what did I do wrong, will it be better if I just died or am I trapped here forever.

I hadn’t picked up I was depressed, nor did anyone else as the issue was bullying that needed solving. But looking back at it I was depressed because of it and both needed to be sorted out, not just one of them.

Major Depression and I

I’ve suffered with depression for 10 years now and lately it’s hit me hard once again as I’ve been taken off medication due to the pregnancy. Firstly I want to talk about what is major depression like then over time I will blog about various things from my past and present which have affected me badly to the point in at now in life.

Major depression isn’t just feel a bit down or under the weather. You find nearly every day too hard to cope with simple tasks like getting out of bed, washing the dishes, tidying. These tasks that should be very easy are the hardest things ever. In turn this makes the depression worse because normal people can do these chores with great ease and you can’t. You spend the morning trying to get yourself out of bed and dressed and when you do you realise the kitchen needs cleaning and the lounge looks like a hurricane came for tea. You think where to start but you have no answer and panic as you pick one or two toys up and then find yourself organising the kitchen and then back in the lounge putting remotes away. Then you go to the bathroom and try to think where you should work first and you just don’t know so end up sobbing on the toilet like babbling idiot. You give up, curl up in bed or the sofa and watch crappy TV or reruns of your favourite shows until your other half gets back. That’s major depression pretty much, for me anyway.

I cry, I snap, I sleep, I don’t sleep, I yell, I hide.

My name is Helen, and I suffer with major depression. Thank you for your time.