Life Changing Stuff

So you’ve probably noticed a lack of posts here. Well with becoming a single parent of two children and within a month of finding out my fiancé no longer loved me and was interested in a women at work I spent a lot of my time thinking over and over about what happened in the 11 years I was with this man and realised so many things that made me feel a mixture of emotions.

I felt angry at myself for not seeing this coming. When the person you love asks if can sleep with another woman and then when you are not happy with this responds with “I’m disappointed in your answer” surely you’d think something isn’t right, yeah? No, for some reason I just cried in bed at night and felt sick for days. I never questioned in further until he told me he no longer wanted to be with me on New Years Day. How stupid could I have been! And also angry at him for dragging me along, specially as I know he felt this way for a long time and yet didn’t say a damn thing, I felt used and that annoys the hell out of me.

I felt sad because I had been with this person for so long and saw us being together forever, I mean we had a family together. I could not see myself as raising as “broken family”. And also scared because I could not deal with the idea of being alone with two small children. I was having panic attacks, feeling sick and considering seeing a doctor and getting some help for my mental health again. The ordeal put me off relationships, I couldn’t see myself getting close to anyone ever again as I feared the same pain and heart ache,

I started to feel stronger. I have my own money for the first time in nearly 8 years. I could say “you know what? I want to buy some make-up for myself” and not feel bad spending £60 on myself. I could buy my children whatever the hell I want and be sure they are fed well and dressed in things other then hand-me-downs that look like they have been through the wars. And I could go to bed whenever I want to, something I have gotten use to now because that’s what any person should be able to do, right? Previously I when to bed when he went to bed even if I wasn’t tired or wanted to play Minecraft for another hour.

I’ve taken a step to better myself. I’ve spent years trying to get a job in Media. I love events, I loved doing what I did at MCM Expo and even with all the drama behind a certain anime event I helped create and design the mascots for and even helped me even exist on the first year (seriously they had nothing, the games room was literally all my consoles and video games, I had to DJ because they hadn’t organised one and the AMV night had nothing until I made a disc of AMVs the night before) but the fact is I need to be paid and no one wanted to pay me for my work. So I’ve gone back to college to train to be a hairdresser in the hope to get a job either in a salon to suit my family or to work on my own to be flexible and have control of the hours I work. I did however feel events calling my name again when I was at i58 this month, I do so miss being a presenter on stage, but such is life.

I’ve met someone. Yes I know not long ago I said how I felt I could not see myself in another relationship or getting close to anyone ever again in fear of all the heart ache. I’ll write in detail in another blog post on how I met this person but for now we’ve recently celebrated 2 months together and he is very understanding about the fact I have children and cannot exactly drop everything to go see him, but he is happy to travel hundreds of miles to see me. This has also been an eye opener after having someone in my life who seemed unsure whether he could travel 3 hours to see his own children.

And because of this I have realised I’m lucky to be out of that relationship. Yes I loved that person for 11 years of my life, I bought a wedding dress that will never get worn and thinking of the pain of him saying he wanted to end the relationship still brings tears to my eyes, however I am way better off without him. He is meant to be seeing his children once a month but that isn’t happening, it’s a shame for the children but I guess it’s also his loss that he isn’t interested in being a part of their lives and I’m almost at the point in speaking to his boss again to find out if he has any holidays left (he use to say he had none left and then I’d contact his boss only to be told he had tons left so you can see why I don’t believe him) but perhaps that isn’t my place any more. Perhaps I should just accept he simply isn’t going to be a father and count myself lucky that he pays child maintenance on time every month. Because I know a lot of single mothers who are not that fortunate.

So there you go, that’s whats been going on in my life. I’ll post more soon on my new found relationship as well as some gaming related stuff. It’s just been a bit of a whirlwind ride these past few months. Hope you all understand!

Things I Probably Should Stop Saying to My Children

There are things I say to my children probably way too many times thinking they’ll understand. However I never expected them to repeat some of these words. And no I am not talking about swear words. These are just sentences I use often and have made me laugh hearing them from my youngsters, but also reminded me they probably heard it far too many times and perhaps I need to be a better parent.

“Can’t you see I’m busy right now?”

I have said this usually whilst making dinner, making glasses of juice that they have asked me to make and then get asked to do something right now such as look at them doing this cool karate move or find a missing Duplo block that they need right now or they’ll die or something. I am not very good at multi-tasking at the best of times so two things is hard for me, three things? Nope, I’m sorry but gonna have to wait. But today whilst emptying the dishwasher with my son I asked him to put a pot away that I had dried. His response was “can’t you see I’m busy right now?”. He was busy putting a spoon away in the slowest possible time ever. I didn’t know whether to be angry, laugh or be embarrassed. I mean it was cheeky of him to say but also hilarious. And yet also sad because he clearly hears me say it all too often. But his facial expression when saying it just tipped me into laughter mode.

“I’m working at the moment”

Okay I don’t have a job, working is used for when I’m writing a blog post, answering an email or on the phone to someone important. So yeah perhaps cheeky of me to say in the first place but found it an easy way to explain that I’m doing something important and need to be left alone for a moment. Today my son was trying to build something with Lego and his sister kept asking him for his help. He huffed and said “I’m working at the moment!” and after a while he said “Well I guess I’m not working any more!”. Now that last one I can’t say I’ve ever said that, or at least not said such a thing in a very long time. This was all because she wanted a balloon she could not reach but every time he got it for her she would let go of it again and found it funny as hell. As did I because it was like watching a mini version of myself. I haven’t said this in a while though as I just haven’t been able to write anything here in ages and writers block has kicked me down too.

“You have got to be kidding me”

When you have cleaned up the living room and started wiping the dining table down only to hear what sounds like the exact opposite of a clean living room and see all your hard work ruined by a cup of milk all over the carpet you will say “you have got to be kidding me” or similar. This is something I feel I have said too often recently and both my son and daughter have repeated randomly. My son saying it because my youngest has broken something he has built and she often says it because there’s some cool toy being advertised on TV that has caught her eye. Hearing it from a toddler is brilliant though because it’s often said as “oo got to be kidding be” which is too darn cute.

So have you ever said anything that your children have repeated and found funny?

Joining The Single Mother’s Club

I always looked at single parents in amazement. How on earth do they make things work? How do they afford the basics of living? And those with more than one child… I mean I have two and even in a relationship I was struggling to deal with them both. The thought of being a single mother of two children totally freaked me out. So when I became one I must admit I was scared. I truly didn’t think I was a strong enough person to look after two dependants, balance the books and keep a house. I couldn’t do it beforehand so no way I could on my own.

Somehow I have been able to. There are moments (specially during the Easter holiday) where the children have driven me up and down the wall, but my son is enjoying school, he’s never late, my daughter is starting nursery for the first time in a few days time and the house doesn’t look like a child-like confetti bomb blew up in it. I haven’t stepped on a toy car or Duplo in weeks! Admittedly I have stepped on a few bits of Lego in my son’s room, but we’re tackling that. Mostly by finding it under his bed instead.

I’m feeling better as well. Though I do have moments of anxiety when trying to figure out whether I can pay for certain things or if I can afford to get some new clothes or wait til next month. I think that’s a mixture of learning to do things on my own for the first time and my mental illness trying to get to me. My main worry lately has been about my son’s birthday. Just spent a what is normally a weeks worth of food shopping just to feed people for a single day, plus a cake. Something I had not considered until a week ago when I was planning what food I would need to get, where from, delivery time and of course the cake.

But my biggest problem is lack of adult conversation. I have my parents thankfully but there’s some things I can’t talk to them about, like video games and the music I like. Typing to people only does so much, it’s nice to actually use my voice once in a while to talk to someone who isn’t going to say the word “poop” 50 times per day. Hopefully when my daughter gets in to nursery and settles down I can actually talk and meet people here.

Any way this is more an update. I did just buy a tent for my son and I to go back to camping so hopefully I’ll be blogging about future camping trips soon!

Vita Coco Coconut Oil #SwearbyIt

So most people I bet are going to be writing beautiful recipes that use the Vita Coco Coconut Oil and that is where I laugh in their faces because… why waste something that has so many great uses!

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Nappy Rash Cream
Sudocrem is in pretty much every parents’ bathrooms or nursery and it’s a nightmare to remove from clothes, carpet and if your baby covers themselves in it then you get the joy of rushing them into a bath and cleaning that mess up. What have you ever tried coconut oil for nappy rash? You see as a cloth nappy user I cannot use sudocrem because it creates a barrier (which is also why you find it so hard to remove from clothing) and stopping the reusable nappy doing its job. Coconut oil is a natural and non-chemical nappy rash treatment and it’s great for sensitive skin like a newborn baby.

Massages
I suffer some back problems and something that is good for your skin and great for gicing great massages is coconut oil. Get some on your hands, gently rub them together to warm it up and voila, perfect oil for giving your partner a massage. It’s also anti-bacterial!

Shave Your Legs
The usual stuff you buy can get expensive and is also filled with an assortment of chemicals. You can easily just use some coconut oil, rub it on your legs and you’ll be able to smoothly shave them! It’ll also leave your skin looking great and more hydrated, so give it a go!

Cold Sore Treatment
Suffer from cold sores and find yourself buying an arrange of stuff to fight them off? Whilst it won’t get rid of them, coconut oil is anti-bacterial and will help clear it up if you place it on the area as it begins to form. Do this a few times a day and you should see the cold sore disappear a lot quicker then before.

Soothe Dry Hands
If you suffer from dry hands just rub a bit of coconut oil on to your hands. Some people will keep a pot of coconut oil by their kitchen sink and after washing dishes they’ll rub coconut oil on their hands. In fact in general it’s a great moisturiser!

So those are my “recipes”. I know they aren’t real recipes but I want to show that coconut oil on it’s own is amazing stuff! Seriously, buy yourself a big tub of it and you’ll see save yourself so much money and your skin will look way better too! Enjoy!

This recipe is an entry into the #Swearbyit challenge with Vita Coco. Find more great coconut oil recipes and tips on using coconut oil at www.swearbyit.com