So you’ve probably noticed a lack of posts here. Well with becoming a single parent of two children and within a month of finding out my fiancé no longer loved me and was interested in a women at work I spent a lot of my time thinking over and over about what happened in the 11 years I was with this man and realised so many things that made me feel a mixture of emotions.
I felt angry at myself for not seeing this coming. When the person you love asks if can sleep with another woman and then when you are not happy with this responds with “I’m disappointed in your answer” surely you’d think something isn’t right, yeah? No, for some reason I just cried in bed at night and felt sick for days. I never questioned in further until he told me he no longer wanted to be with me on New Years Day. How stupid could I have been! And also angry at him for dragging me along, specially as I know he felt this way for a long time and yet didn’t say a damn thing, I felt used and that annoys the hell out of me.
I felt sad because I had been with this person for so long and saw us being together forever, I mean we had a family together. I could not see myself as raising as “broken family”. And also scared because I could not deal with the idea of being alone with two small children. I was having panic attacks, feeling sick and considering seeing a doctor and getting some help for my mental health again. The ordeal put me off relationships, I couldn’t see myself getting close to anyone ever again as I feared the same pain and heart ache,
I started to feel stronger. I have my own money for the first time in nearly 8 years. I could say “you know what? I want to buy some make-up for myself” and not feel bad spending £60 on myself. I could buy my children whatever the hell I want and be sure they are fed well and dressed in things other then hand-me-downs that look like they have been through the wars. And I could go to bed whenever I want to, something I have gotten use to now because that’s what any person should be able to do, right? Previously I when to bed when he went to bed even if I wasn’t tired or wanted to play Minecraft for another hour.
I’ve taken a step to better myself. I’ve spent years trying to get a job in Media. I love events, I loved doing what I did at MCM Expo and even with all the drama behind a certain anime event I helped create and design the mascots for and even helped me even exist on the first year (seriously they had nothing, the games room was literally all my consoles and video games, I had to DJ because they hadn’t organised one and the AMV night had nothing until I made a disc of AMVs the night before) but the fact is I need to be paid and no one wanted to pay me for my work. So I’ve gone back to college to train to be a hairdresser in the hope to get a job either in a salon to suit my family or to work on my own to be flexible and have control of the hours I work. I did however feel events calling my name again when I was at i58 this month, I do so miss being a presenter on stage, but such is life.
I’ve met someone. Yes I know not long ago I said how I felt I could not see myself in another relationship or getting close to anyone ever again in fear of all the heart ache. I’ll write in detail in another blog post on how I met this person but for now we’ve recently celebrated 2 months together and he is very understanding about the fact I have children and cannot exactly drop everything to go see him, but he is happy to travel hundreds of miles to see me. This has also been an eye opener after having someone in my life who seemed unsure whether he could travel 3 hours to see his own children.
And because of this I have realised I’m lucky to be out of that relationship. Yes I loved that person for 11 years of my life, I bought a wedding dress that will never get worn and thinking of the pain of him saying he wanted to end the relationship still brings tears to my eyes, however I am way better off without him. He is meant to be seeing his children once a month but that isn’t happening, it’s a shame for the children but I guess it’s also his loss that he isn’t interested in being a part of their lives and I’m almost at the point in speaking to his boss again to find out if he has any holidays left (he use to say he had none left and then I’d contact his boss only to be told he had tons left so you can see why I don’t believe him) but perhaps that isn’t my place any more. Perhaps I should just accept he simply isn’t going to be a father and count myself lucky that he pays child maintenance on time every month. Because I know a lot of single mothers who are not that fortunate.
So there you go, that’s whats been going on in my life. I’ll post more soon on my new found relationship as well as some gaming related stuff. It’s just been a bit of a whirlwind ride these past few months. Hope you all understand!