Trying to Move On…

Hey everybody. Apologises for the radio silence. Some of you will know the relationship between my fiancé and I ended and I had to find a place for the kids and I to live. Also to top it off not long after moving we all caught a horrible mix of coughs, colds, sore throats, ear ache, swollen throats, dry throats, headaches, colds, runny noses and sinus pains. Also I only just got the Internet sorted at my new house, so yeah thus to silence on the blog.

I keep telling myself “you are doing good” and “you can move on from this” and for a while I agreed with the little voice in my head. But after a week in the house something changed in my mind. I pictured my fiancé rushing over to tell me he does still love me and moves in with me in this house. But soon reality slapped me and that was never going to happen. And so the sobbing and fear of being alone got to me.

A week ago I fell ill and soon my daughter (2 years old) did as well and followed swiftly by my parents. Now I'm single parenting whilst unwell with a sick toddler and a child whose 6th birthday is next weekend that I wish I could play with and give him what he wants but I simply can't when I can barely function and have a little one sobbing in my arms in pain. This week has been testing me and I would have preferred it to have waited a few more weeks before doing so because I'm just not ready for all this.

I haven't done a food shop. Lunch today consisted of strawberries, mini cheddars (the last pack which was shared between the kids) and cocktail sausages. Thankfully the children thought it was the best lunch ever, though that's probably because it was mostly strawberries as realised the best before date is this Sunday. I've also used up a large box of tissues and now on to toilet rolls for myself and giving the kids the last tissue box filled with soft tissues for their snotty noses. And I know my son needs new bed time pants (he's such a heavy sleeper!) but part of me is praying I have enough to last just a few more days.

Also I had paid money upfront for a hotel at the NEC for Insomnia 57 and had to cancel, losing my money. I'm not fit enough for a big event and no one can look after my daughter so decided was best to cancel and lose the £74 I had paid. Deeply sorry to those who I was going to meet tomorrow. I would hate for any one to get this illness, it's absolutely horrible!

Life stuff is also rushing around me at an alarming speed. Viewing schools, applying for a school, getting my son a new uniform, trying to learn how to get to the school, sort out paying rent, getting the benefits I should be getting, filling in a million forms, looking at nurseries, applying for funding for nursery, applying to a doctors who then tell you that's wrong come back with the rest stuff, waiting for the post man to delivery letters to give to the council before I lose my application for other benefits and in all that I have been poorly and somehow ended up getting a car which will be with me next week. So not all bad but just hectic.

I just want to settle down. Being reminded of my past relationship hasn't helped me and neither has being sick for over a week. Want to make my house look perfect, not a house that's slowly being invaded by used tissues and empty packets of paracetamol. Hopefully I will be back soon!

My Future… Where Do I Go?

So it’s been a week since I posted apologising from my recent lack of updates here. I thought I’d just post again to say bit more on what’s happening and also ask some stuff.

Firstly… I would be lying if I said I was doing okay. For one the large amount of tears, anger and being slap around by my depression really drained me and now I’m stuck with a nasty cough. I did have a cold but that’s pretty much gone and just this darn cough that leaves me feeling like I am gasping for air. I viewed a house with my parents and they weren’t happy with it. I thought it was okay and could see it’s potential but the fees and paperwork required were a bit of a slap in the face for someone who was nearly 30 years old and needed her mummy and daddy to be guarantors.

Something that has been slapping me rather harshly in the face is my lack of employment. You see… I make no money from my blog. I’ve had little or no paid work since my daughter’s birth back in 2013. I’ve worked with some amazing companies and I am thankful for all of those, otherwise I would not have accepted them. But the amount of emails I get asking me to write a blog post about a product or company for free has becoming insane. I mean come on. How would you like it if you went to work and your boss said “okay can you do this job for me. In return I’ll pay you by retweeting it”. I’ve recently become a single mother of two children with NO INCOME. How the hell am I going to feed them with a flipping tweet? Explain that to my 5 year old son when he asks why I can’t buy him his favourite magazine.

I’m currently thinking of Patreon as one thing I love is drawing. And I have seen some people enjoying my speed art videos on YouTube. Seriously I enjoy drawing, I have so much fun live streaming what I draw and answering any questions people may have. I do it because I found watching artists on Twitch really helped me step up and learn new tricks. But I have to consider the fact I have a family and at the moment I can’t afford my own house. I’m living with my ex-fiancé and legally he could kick me out as it is his place, not mine. I can’t stand it here. I can’t even say “I’m off home now” because… it’s not my home. It feels weird. I live with my kids and some guy that I barely see who sleeps downstairs. It’s not right, not healthy and yet I can’t leave because that would mean I made myself homeless and the government don’t look kindly on those who make themselves homeless.

So would people consider paying monthly on Patreon? Would be allowed to pay as little as $1 per month and perks will be put in for those that pay $10 or more per month. I just need to know if there’s actually people interested. Otherwise… work on a Plan B I guess.

Where Has Mew Gone?

You’ve probably noticed how silent it has been here. Well for a while things at home haven’t been great. In fact only a few weeks ago did I realise how long this had been doing on for and feel stupid for not realising until it was too late.

After 8 years together, two children and engaged to marry my relationship has ended. I’ve been trying to get my head around it all, wanting this to be a nightmare that I will wake up from and be back to normal any minute now. I’ve cried, felt guilty, felt anger, scared and even wanted to just end it all. I never in a million years thought that I’d become a single mother of two. Never in a million years did I think I’d go from owning a house to trying to find a council house and researching what benefits I would be entitled to. Not one moment in my life did I see this coming.

I see these single mothers somehow make things work and think how strong and empowering they are to do it all. I would think “I’m not as strong as them, how do they do it?!” and almost wish to know the secret to their powers. Either way I knew I could never be like them, I’d fall apart in a split second. And it won’t happen to me, right? I have a man who loves me and promises to marry me soon. It will be fine. We got this… right?

Turns out I was looking at my life through rose tinted glasses. Lies were spoken, hurtful things were said (most without realising they were hurtful) and time was poorly spent. Money was also wasted. This home was a family home, but it isn’t any more and family helped build things with their own free time. What a total waste. What a total mess. I’ve taken those glasses off, but the desire to put them back on and see that life again is tempting.

I’ll admit that as I write this I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I’m meant to be on Twitch live streaming tonight but I haven’t planned anything, I’ve not thought about it all that much. I’ve been spending my time crying and researching. So many questions I need answers for.

I’m currently working on something that is probably gonna suck to make but needs to be done. I was originally working on a Patreon page to help raise funds on basic art supplies and grow my YouTube channel. Sadly this has changed and being a mother with a child at home full time I don’t have an income other then my art. With this change I lose internet access, I lose money, I lose my dreams. And that final dream was to be able to afford a studio to work in. That’s going to disappear, all in a matter of months. So I’ll be working on a Patreon video and when I have finished or feel it is time to promote it I’ll make sure to post it on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and here.

Thank you everyone who has spoken to me recently. Even a simple e-hug or heart emoticon has just made me feel a little bit better. Because I know I’m not totally alone. I have you guys.

Contribute?

So I love games, I love my family and I love writing and doing videos related to these things. But as I’m a SAHM (Stay At Home Mother) I make zero monies. My partner works a 5 days a week job to pay for everything but it pretty much pays for food, bills and then the extra goes on clothes or fixing things which is basically everything in this house.  So I thought would add information on how you could contribute.

First of all I don’t want you to think I’m begging or forcing you to help me out. Just that you know you can if you want to. There’s several ways you can contribute so here we go!

Amazon Wish List
A lot of big buys are on here but also some Funko Pops as well as some films for my kids to watch for those times I need an hour to edit a video or write a post here in peace. But also this is where you’ll see some video games I’d love to record/stream/write about that perhaps I cannot afford right now. the big buys tend to be things that’ll upgrade my work such as a better keyboard (this one is huge compared to my tiny fingers!) and a spare microphone as we have been talking about doing some couples gaming videos together in the future. Anyone who buys from this list and includes their name with it I’ll add to the Contributors list on my website, YouTube and Twitch.

TwitchAlerts
I sometimes stream video games and sometimes I stream drawings I’m working on. You’re more then welcome to pop a tip in my Twitch Tips jar from as little or as much as you want. If you do it whilst I am streaming then you’ll see it pop up on screen and get a shout out and huge thanks from me. Again you’ll be thanked for any donations made.

Steam Wish List
There’s a LOT of games I want to play on Steam. I try and put them in order but it’s hard to say what games I really want. Undertale… god dammit I want you so badly I may just buy it myself. If you read this and Undertale isn’t first on my Wishlist probably means I did buy it and now I’m eating dirt til Christmas. Anyway as said before anyone who donates by buying a Steam game for me you’ll be added to a contributors list on here, YouTube and Twitch.

You can also commission me for artwork. I mostly draw Minecraft skins for £15-£30 for a single person. Otherwise that’s about it, folks! Thank you for reading these rather dull post and for those who can’t donate, don’t feel bad! I see my views on my website and those help me too. You can still help by commenting, sharing my stuff via social media or just following me. Any of these helps!

Contributors
Terraria – Nighthunter87
Don’t Starve: Reign of Giants – Nighthunter87